I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
