i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize