I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I don't deserve a penis
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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