My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
