I'm so fucking centered right now
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Randomize
