Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Terrible idea I love it
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
