The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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