I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
