I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
