bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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