oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
