We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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