I accidentally burped into my bong.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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