How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
