piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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