So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I accidentally burped into my bong.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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