Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
