remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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