Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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