Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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