If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
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