my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
