im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
