Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
