i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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