"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
