You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
what day is it and did you see me today?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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