have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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