i jhust puked up my retainher.
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
nutella sex= disaster
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
