the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
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