Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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