ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
