Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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