The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
