I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
