I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize