Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Randomize