Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
