I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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