I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
