gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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