she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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