Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
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