Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
