I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize