I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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