dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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