Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
