Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
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