Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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