I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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