i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize