she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I am naked and annoyed.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
