see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
