pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize