You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
