I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
