i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
